Blessed but Still Struggling

Author: Double D
I have been a blessed guy. After committing a sexual offense and spending a lengthy time incarcerated I was released and thankfully had a few people whom provided an opportunity for a place to work and a place to live. There were, of course, difficulties and troubles, but things for the most part have been good. I am now proud to say that this once janitor on parole in the span of two years is working on salary in the same company that gave me a chance when others did not. More a testimony to that company than to me I can assure you.

I would like to think that my story would inspire others: a kid who was sexually abused, who grew up in a divorced family and raised by a mother who was addicted. A gay kid scared to death of this fact and hid behind religion, education and many things to avoid it. Someone who did horrible things, spent a long time in jail, came out with all the odds stacked against him; no money, no history in a community, no real skills. In would like to think that where I am now in spite of all of those things would inspire people to not let their circumstances define them. To say, “Wow! If he can do it so can I! ” but what I am finding is that no one can look at the broad view of it. They only see the label of sex offender and that is it. They even think that I am not worthy of what I have attained. People would prefer a beaten down sad version of me, that any success they feel is at best charity and certainly not worthy of me.

I have tried to inspire people. I do many things, some public and some done in private, to do my part, to offer an example. I would like to think I am generous and caring. I do not have many friends but I like to think they are glad to have me in their lives, but some days, it feels very lonely and very hollow when I feel that it does not matter. It is easy to say things like, “It matters to yourself!” or “Do it because it is the right thing to do.” Have said those things for many years. After a point, after spending soooooo many hours alone, those words can begin to remind you of your aloneness in the world. What good to do any of it if when at the end of the day there is not someone there to share it with? The sad part is that when you do feel inspired, when you do have someone to share with, the greatness of it compels you to act so irrationally. I feel so stupid saying that.

I suppose for some the easy parts are things like dealing with others and for some things like work and so forth are the easy parts. To me succeeding at work and all that is the nuts and bolts of life. No problem if given a chance. But the harder part for me are the relationships we have in life. Very difficult for me to be in relationships of any kind in a way that ends up ok. I end up just expecting the other person to disappear soon. Not a good way to be friends.

The site calls for ” Inspirational Stories”. As I re-read I do not know if I am that. Maybe I am that broken sad guy that people expect but just dressed in nicer clothes and who shaves every day. Or maybe the fact that I see my flaws and yet I still continue on trying to be more and give more despite my flaws, to not hurt people any longer, is what could make me an inspiration to others. Only someone else can answer that question. I do know that no matter what, I will continue on. Just would be nice to share that journey and to not spend so much time wondering if when a flower blooms in the woods and no one is there to see it, does it matter if it blooms at all. Perhaps at the end of it all I will have an answer to that question.

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